Seeker

This morning will be the start of a new me – I decided that late last night in my drunken stupor after I downed a bottle of wine to put me to sleep. I slept in a bit to let the effects of my hang-over wear off, and then I texted Cherise to let her know that I was on my way down.  I want to put everything behind me and take the brakes off this train!

My first action of the day was to go for a run. I felt disgustingly out of shape. I made it two miles before the pounding in my head stopped me in my tracks. After I got back, I quickly packed and made my way to the car, trying to ignore all the peripheral reminders of Sarah that were strewn around the house. It’s almost like dealing with the memorabilia of a dead family member. Do you leave their former room exactly like it was on the day of their death like a shrine to them? Or do you move on? I’m moving on. If she wants to call me, then she can do just that, but deep inside me, I am hoping that I don’t hear back from Sarah for now.

My drive to see Cherise was painful. I kept falling asleep and veering out of my lane. Luckily the other cars were nice enough to lay on their horns to keep me from hitting them! Cherise was excited to see me when I rang the door bell to her apartment. She was scantily clad in a one piece outfit that snugly wrapped her curves in a stunning way. I felt like a beast, ready to pounce on my prey…and she seemed to love being the victim of my predation. In moments, I had her naked on her bed, legs up in the air as I speared her.

We laid together afterwards, entwined with each other, sweating and panting to catch our breath. I could feel her leaking as I rubbed my thighs between her thighs. I ran my fingers through her soft, long hair pulling her head towards me frequently so I could kiss her. “I love you,” then spewed out of her mouth. My heart stopped for a moment until I realized that I had no obligations to anyone, and then I too freely responded in kind to her. “I love you baby.” She hugged me tightly and then rolled out of bed to make some drinks for us. Moments later, she returned with drinks in hand and sat on the edge of the bed, revealing her golden, tanned muscular legs as she propped them under her. “You wanna party?” She asked me. I was perplexed sat first, but then realized what she meant when she pulled out the bag of white powder…..

Party we did: Happy white powder and funny, colored pills, then a crazy bus ride to a local night club with a fantastic DJ. We danced all night until our muscles blew up in our legs. I’m not certain how we even got home, but I found us having sex in an alley next to the club with her leaning over the edge of a wall as I rammed her. It was a fuzzy recollection, but there was a small crowd of similarly crazed people watching us, yelling and screaming in excitement as we displayed ‘our love.’ It was awesome. Cherise was so disinhibited and carefree. I loved her lips when she laughed, and I loved watching the flashing lights of the club reflect off her skin-tight body suit that fluoresced with each pulsating strobe. Cherise moved among everyone so freely, catching everyone’s attention it seemed. Uncontrollable. Passionate. Vivacious. Sexual. Someone to be chased and when caught, never could be tamed. I sipped my drinks down as I watched her dance and grind with others on the dance floor while I caught my breath to go with her again. I could see the desire in the eyes of everyone she came across.

I put my head down on the bar for a few minutes as I sat. I thought it was a few minutes, but when I lifted my head, I didn’t recognize anyone around me. I ran my blurry, bloodshot eyes around the room searching for Cherise. She wasn’t dancing where she was just a few minutes ago – of course I had fallen out for thirty minutes unbeknownst to me. My eyes turned to a corner entrance where I saw Cherise giving a tall, fit guy a kiss as he slapped her on her butt. Then I watched her leave his embrace and turn towards my general direction, buttoning and straightening the top of her suit. I was too impaired to be mad or jealous. I was more fascinated that somehow I wanted to find a way to keep Cherise for me alone. She excites me and opens my mind to possibilities.

The next thing I knew, Cherise was next to me at the bar, paying for our next drink with a wad of money that had magically appeared. She then explained how she had run across some friends and left me alone to rest at the bar. I was strangely at peace with that explanation.

That’s the last thing I remember before waking up stretched out on Cherise’s bed to find Cherise calmly sitting on her couch, looking all scholarly with her glasses as she read an erudite book and sipped green tea. Now I’m really confused.

-T.C.

Several days have passed since Sarah left me. She hasn’t called me and I haven’t called her. I figured I would let time do my work to avoid a confrontation with her. I think I just wanted our relationship to fail by default. For some reason I felt obligated to everyone else I was with above Sarah’s needs when I really should be reaching out to Sarah. Deep inside me, I want Sarah back, but I also want time to explore other opportunities to be certain that I choose the right pathway in my life. So now I find myself spending all my time at work so that I avoid my empty house. Already the air smells stale when I walk in. There is no cooking going on in the kitchen, no background music playing, no thumping on the floors upstairs by another pair of footsteps. There is no one to talk to except myself.

I keep feeling anxious everywhere I go in the house, thinking of memories that Sarah and I shared together in each room. Even though she took most of her belongings, there were still some items that she left behind. Pictures of us and small gifts that I had given to her over the years sat where they had always been. Also, despite the fact Sarah had cleaned the house as she left, there was still the smell of her on the bedsheets as well as her scattered, shed hairs throughout the house. So tonight I laid down on the bed, looking up at the fan swinging from side to side, unable to sleep. Where is Sarah right now and is she ok? Is she thinking of me?

I looked at my phone from time to time, expecting a call or text from her, but there was nothing except missed messages from everyone else that I knew. Cherise had been texting  me a lot, again in need of money and help. I think that I had spent several thousand dollars in the past month alone to help her out. Meanwhile, my bills were stacking up. I am off tomorrow so I think I will take a drive down to see Cherise. It is pointless for me to ferment over Sarah, because if I call her back into my life, then it would have to be permanent. Am I ready for that?

-T.C

Ashley and I slept very comfortably last night. I was awakened by Ashley as she started rubbing her leg on me and scratching my back gently. I was in the middle of some crazy dream where I felt like I was flying in a room on the floor of which sat several of my family members, watching me intently. More importantly, I was quickly aroused by the softness of Ashley’s touch which of course resulted in a quick session of sex. She hadn’t gotten up since last night and things got messy really quick, but I didn’t care one bit as I got in the swing of the action! Ashley did get a little bit loud as she pushed her arms against the head board with each thrust. Luckily the neighbors were not in town!

Ashley rolled over after we finished and turned on the T.V. to some mini series she had recorded. I burrowed into her back so I could watch as well, but quickly found it to be quite a boring production, so I fell asleep. It turns out I slept for another hour at which time I awakened violently, thinking I was late for work! Of course my shift wasn’t until tonight, so I had a bit of time, during which Ashley and I grabbed a late breakfast at a local Waffle House.  What a crowd we ran into there, for very one seemed to know each other. In fact, shortly after I began sipping on my coffee, I looked up and noticed Mr. Cellar sitting across the counter from us. Our eyes met briefly as we exchanged a quick nod at each other and then we each continued on speaking with our respective partner. He had quite a hot looking babe with him who was nicely tanned with beautifully highlighted hair. She was hanging all over him quite intently, only briefly glancing my direction when he nodded.

Ashley and I went for a walk on a beautiful day.

I thought it was remarkably strange and coincidental that I would run across someone I knew. Anyway, as for the rest of the crowd in the tight, bustling Waffle House, I easily found an assortment of local workers with their hard hats in their laps, candy children, and even a group of gothic-Emo types hovering in various locales, each talking up a storm as they chowed down on their pancakes, eggs, and waffles. Meanwhile, Ashley and I held hands and talked about recent events. It occurred to me that I did not have any clue about what Sarah was up to right now. My heart sank knowing that I was letting her drift away. I felt really anxious again such that I quickly rushed us out of the restaurant as soon as we finished. I decided the best course of action was to go for a walk to blow off my stress. I thought about Mr. Cellar’s solution for such a problem and kinda wished I had something to help ease my anxiety, but I can’t call in my own prescription. Then it dawned on me to go to my parent’s house after I left Ashley and snag some of my mother’s Valium to get me through this! Problem solved and with that, Ashley and I had a beautiful walk after which I dropped her off back at her apartment.

So as for the rest of the day, I avoided my house as long as I could, going to my parent’s house for a quick visit. Mom and Dad were doing great and keeping quite busy. They were surprised to see me home right now, but I told them I needed to go upstairs to my old room to get something. At the top of the stairs, I made a quick left to my parent’s room where I sifted through my mom’s medicines and found an old bottle of Percocet. I couldn’t find the Valium that she had from a prior procedure last year, so I grabbed a few of the pills out of the bottle and put them in my pocket for later use if I needed them. When I got downstairs, they suspected nothing and in fact asked me about Sarah! I was very tangential in my answer, just summarizing my relationship with her as ‘We’ll see.’ My dad looked up at me  over his newspaper and quickly recognized that things might not be going so well, but he didn’t investigate the situation much except to say in a half-hearted tone,”I hope everything turns out well for ya’ son.”

Red Skies at Night

So now I get back home and immediately notice Sarah’s car is gone. At first I breathed a huge sigh of relief thinking that there would be no confrontation. Of course, what was worse was entering my house and feeling the silence pressing down upon my shoulders with each step on those cold floors! I yelled for Sarah, but there was no answer except for the sound of an ice cube dropping in the freezer and the constant hum of the fish  tank in the corner. Of course one of the fish was dead and bloated on his side, bobbing in the current of the filter next to the light. I turned to notice that there was a note on the kitchen table in an envelope. It was thick and there was a lot of writing on it. My eyes teared up….

-T.C.

.So today was a bit of a busy one at work. It’s amazing how often some patients come into the emergency department. One patient in particular has been to the ER almost 105 times this year alone, and what’s worse, she has no real medical problems. She always has strange complaints, such as ‘my tongue is swollen,’ or ‘my arms are numb,’ or any variation of strangeness. Everyone of the staff has had some interaction with her in one way, shape, or form. However, she always manages to show up by ambulance at the worst possible times, especially when we are overwhelmed. Today was no exception because this time she showed up twice by ambulance, both at the beginning and the end of the shift with the same complaint. Of course, she was given Valium both times after a quick look-over. I spent a bit of time talking with her to figure her out. Of course she has no job, smokes constantly, and usually goes to sleep around 5 A.M. and awakens in the late afternoon. I think the first thing she thinks about when she gets up is what emergency department to go to. She has no structure in her life, and no one telling her when to go to sleep or to even brush her teeth. As a result, she does whatever she wants, which is nothing, and so she is left wondering why she can’t get anywhere better in her life. I can’t fix that.  What a tremendous waste of resources!

Tonight, when I got home, I felt totally exhausted. I dreaded walking into the house because Sarah was packing up her stuff and was totally avoiding me. What a change from a few weeks ago when we were so cozy at the beach together (except for the small night incidents!) When I got home, the house was absolutely pitch black with not a light on. I opened the front door and was greeted by the stale smell of loneliness. The house was dead quiet except for whimpering noises that were coming from the bedroom upstairs. Following the sounds, I found Sarah in the corner of the closet, crying as she packed up her suitcases under a dimly lit side lamp. She turned to me and started yelling that I had destroyed us and ruined her. I tried to have a conversation with her about everything so I could figure out what she was referring to but all I got was ‘the hand.’ She didn’t want to hear it. She felt there was enough circumstantial stuff going on in my life that when added to her doubts about our relationship it equaled a failing situation. I left the bedroom, realizing that the best action was no action. I figured that in time, Sarah would come back to her senses. Again, my plan was to let everything unfold and in several months she might cool down enough that both her and myself would have ourselves all together mentally.

I decided to leave the house to ‘teach Sarah a lesson.’ I wanted to control the situation by not showing any emotional content to her. When I left, for some reason, I found myself calling Ashley and not Angela by accident. I  was confused by the voice on the other side of the phone and was about to hang up when Ashley said my name. That’s when I realized my mistake and then had to come up with some excuse for having called her. I hadn’t called her in a while, but we had been texting periodically. I found myself quickly asking her out for a drink and late evening meal to which she said yes.

We met up at Sal’s restaurant where we had a great Italian meal and some nice red wine. Ashley looked incredible out of scrubs. She wore skinny jeans with high heels that accentuated the curves in her legs…very tantalizing, just like the wine. We talked for a long time about various things that she liked, such as traveling and various hobbies. It turns out that she has a lot of the same interests as me – pretty much everything interests me! As we spoke, I found her mannerisms to be appealing in a very sexual way. Everything from the way she pulled her hair back to the way she shifted her weight in her chair seemed charming.   Before long, it was getting really late, however, Ashley had drank a bit too much to drive home. Of course, being the gentleman that I am, I took care of that, eventually escorting her to her very from door. I held her up with my arm around her tight waist as we walked, with her occasionally tripping over her own high heels as we went up the steps to her apartment. Each stumble led to an embrace that led to a kiss that led to….The rest was perfection. She has the nicest back I have seen in a while, especially when it is highlighted by the absence of any other clothing!

-T.C.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking about everything going on with Sarah. The house has become hauntingly unfamiliar and cold now. I show up, and it seems that Sarah is anywhere else but with me. When I do see her, I express myself with articulate silence. She will look at me briefly with her questioning, hurt eyes, and my only response is to shut down. It’s almost as if I am going to let fate be sealed by letting everything go it’s natural course between us. If I say nothing, then Sarah will continue onward with her internship, but I am certain that if I plead with her, she will stay. I don’t want to feel guilty about anything, so I fool myself into thinking that there really is no other choice than to accept that Sarah is leaving for a while, or maybe forever. I already hate the way everything feels, and I wish time would just pass by and everything would go it’s course.

A few hugs, short embraces, and glancing hello’s are all that occur between us. She knows something is broken with us, and I know this has all come swiftly yet not surprising. What else would I expect to happen with the way I am acting? I took Sarah for granted, with each and every small task of hers no longer being a gift to our relationship but rather an expectation. No longer would I thank her for her dinners or all the cleaning in the house that she did, or the small decorations and personal touches that she added to our home. I just began to expect this of her. I guess this is human nature. In fact, if she suddenly stopped helping out, like now, I suddenly am mad at her for not doing what I expected. At some point, I just quit seeing each of her completed tasks in the house as a gift to our relationship. I stepped all over her and her feelings. I never said ‘Thank you.’

So I am sitting at work, with my arms folded on my desk as patients and staff whiz by to various rooms and places. Staring at my computer screen and the bulletin board beyond covered with messages and thank you notes from various patients, I can see part of my life rapidly drifting by as I chose not to confront my problems. I will passively accept my fate. I am really stressed about my inertia in all of this, panicked by indecision.

I think I let the anger at my situation get vented at one of my patients who I have seen a million times before. It was one of those nights where everyone was whining about every pain and vague ache but yet no one had any real medical concerns. This one patient of mine, Clarence T. ,however, was young and had Chrone’s disease, which produces abdominal pain from inflammation. He was nice enough, for the most part, whenever he got his fix of Dilaudid for his pain, but this time I was angry at him for distracting me from my own problems. I was rude and abrupt with him, immediately mentioning his forty visits this year to the department. He had Medicaire and could easily have seen a specialist, but he always showed up here in the middle  of the night after he was done with his fun in the city.Obviously I could never verify his appointments or recent prescriptions, or for that matter call his physicians because it was so late at night, so I always had to rely on his ‘word.’ He had been Cat scanned almost fifteen times this year, which is a  lot of radiation for someone, but in my anger, I challenged him to either leaving with a prescription for a mild pain reliever or getting a Cat scan of his abdomen and some intravenous dilaudid. Of course, he chose the radiation and the IV pain medicine. Death by radiation is what I call this. I don’t want to be responsible for missing a surgical abdominal problem in a person who comes in forty times in six months, so I scan him to save myself from the stress of having made the wrong decision and getting sued. As for the patient, he could care less since he was looking for a quick high, although he was writhing around on the gurney in apparent pain . If he wasn’t so non compliant with his home medications, I think I would have felt worse about things!

Anyway, as I stepped out of Clarence’s room, I noticed a man peering over the curtain of a nearby cubicle. Straining my eyes to see who was looking at me, I noticed it was Mr. Cellars (obviously not his real name, I might add). Here was another drug seeker, who, depending on his disposition and intoxicant level, could actually be interesting to talk with and learn about life on the rough side. I walked over to say hello for some reason. We actually did have a meaningful conversation tonight. I wasn’t in the mood to work much today because I was so distracted by everything at home, so I sat down with Mr. Cellars, who was going to be my next patient anyway. He had a skin infection on his inner thigh from where he said he got impaled by glass. The reality was he had been stabbed by the top of a fence at a house that he had broken into. So, after the medical portion of our interaction was done, Mr. Cellars ( I shall refer to him as Marvin) adeptly told me that I seemed stressed and that maybe I should order him ten milligrams of Valium and take half of it for myself…I actually did that because I was so stressed. I think the panic showed in my eyes when I was speaking to him. When I came by his room twenty minutes later, he gave me the other 5 mg tablet of the Valium I had ordered for him. “You need to relax more. Come see me if you need help,” were his parting words.He actually gave me good advice. After I took the Valium, I slept very well all day and peacefully!

-T.C.

Today was a strange day. I got back into the house and Sarah seemed to be quite distant and aloof. There wasn’t the usual hugs and kisses I had been getting of late, but rather the cold winds of the past when our comings and goings didn’t register with each other. I slept for several hours, but awakened with my stomach twisting. Everything was on my mind, and between Sarah’s and Angela’s behavior, it seemed like something big was on the horizon. Not to mention, I had a lot of bills to pay and Cherise had texted me begging for more money. I actually spoke to her early this morning on my way home. She had taken a Valium she said because she was having a panic attack about her finances and her family issues. I spent a good thirty minutes calming her down on the phone as she sobbed uncontrollably. So I stopped at a local food mart and wired her more money as I drove home. I felt much better that she was taken care of, but now I had worries about making ends meet for myself.

So, after I got up, I approached Sarah, who was very silent all day. I probed and probed until finally I poked the lion once too many times. Unexpectedly, she began to holler at me about a barrage of concerns she was having. She had found long hairs that were not hers in my work bag that were on a comb that I used. Then she told me about a receipt that she found in my wallet that clearly indicated two meals with alcohol on a night that I was supposedly working. The final blow was she said she really thought it was odd that I disappeared on the beach two nights in a row and that she could have sworn that she saw a couple off in the distance leaving the beach, one member of whom had my size and shape. I think my dumb-faced, open-mouthed look said enough to her. In her anger as she walked away, all I could think was deny, deny, deny. I  explained away the hair as being from the dirty hotel room that I stayed at on my last work excursion. As for the receipt, I told her that I had a meal with my medical director just before going in for my shift. As for the beach, I explained that she was mistaken about the couple, because I saw them too. There was an infinitely long pause after all the discussion as she stared at me, breathing heavily as tears welled up in her eyes. Next thing I knew, she broke down, sobbed, and gave me a deep hug. She apologized for snooping so much, but she just wanted reassurance that she was not making a mistake by staying with me if we had no future. I assured her my intentions were genuine and that I loved her.

Sarah seemed to calm down after all the verbal judo, and all I could think of was ‘get me outta’ here now!’ I hate confrontation. I would rather bury it in some deep recess in a cave. Sarah, on the other hand, frequently thrived on it. She always wore her problems on her sleeve and frequently complained of each and every issue between us until recently. Now it feels like old times. I just want to solve the problem and be done with it and not festinate on it.

Anyway, I was totally surprised when suddenly Sarah told me that she is going to be doing an internship for 6 months in Phoenix. There was dead silence after that.  I couldn’t believe that she was leaving for any time. Of course she went on to explain how she felt it would give us a much needed break to explore our options, and she didn’t want to lose a chance to further her career as we weren’t married and she couldn’t depend on me. At first I thought she was testing me with a fib, but then I could see the truth in it by the look on her face.

A thousand wicked thoughts came through my mind after that : Angela, ashley, Cherise, and Melanie. Then in the next instant, I felt depressed knowing that ‘home’ would not be the same without Sarah. I would be coming home to an empty house that had no life in it. I am so confused….

-T.C.

I got back to the house at 4 pm, where I found Sarah sitting on the couch, reading a book quietly. She gave me the softest hug when I came in. The way she said, “I hope you got some rest,’ was so sincere. Little did she know how bad I felt about what I had done last night and today. I felt like a stranger in my own house and now I had to get reacquainted with Sarah. That was easy enough as I offered a nice back rub that quickly led to a foot rub, and finally more invasive pleasures on the couch!

We grilled out on the deck for dinner, making burgers and some great sides. Sarah is an excellent cook and is always well prepared. Dinners were always phenomenal with her. I wanted to spend more time with her, but instead I had to go to work for another night shift. I noticed the bills were stacking up on my desk, and I had little extra money in my account. That really put me on edge considering I made a very decent salary!

I felt like I had just gotten familiar with my home again when the clock pulled me away to work. Of course it was a busy night and everyone decides to come in late at night, after dinner and at bedtime, when I would soon be the only physician left in the department. Everyone expected to be in and out quickly like a fast food restaurant, not really caring about the end product, but rather that they got their visit out of the way and their symptoms treated – mostly with percocet or valium! How lame. It seems so sad and pathetic that over half of the patients I am caring for are in the department because of their bad behaviors, either current or in the past. One patient I am seeing in the department returns for the seventh time this year because of a headache and uncontrolled blood pressure. He was only 35, but had a bleeding stroke in his head last year that left him partially paralyzed. Now every time he gets a headache, he thinks he is having another stroke. He says he takes his blood pressure medicines, but at discharge, when I can discharge him home, he always asks for blood pressure medication refills. It’s funny how after a single dose of blood pressure medication in the department, his blood pressure amazingly returns to normal! Now, his kidneys are starting to go bad because he smokes and doesn’t control his blood pressure! I don’t believe he takes his medications often at all, and in fact, he admitted to me that he misses it most days! I guess when his next stroke happens, our tax money will pay for his disabled, pathetic self when he has to stay in a nursing home where the nurses will be changing his diapers for the rest of his life. I get so frustrated that I can’t make a difference in any of these patient’s lives because we are just putting band-aids on their complaints but not treating the real problems in their life: poor choices!

As for the rest of the night, I saw numerous febrile children with last names I can’t even pronounce, and several homeless alcoholics who were too drunk to even say their name! It wasn’t a rewarding night at all, except when Angela came in to say hello to me. She looked hot as always, wearing bright blue, high cut shorts that exposed her very familiar legs. I followed her into the back of the department where we met in the doctor’s room. As soon as the door shut behind us, she assaulted me with kisses as she rubbed her hands up and down the front of my scrubs! I was quickly at attention as she untied my pants with her teeth and continued onwards after that! The next thing that happened was a surprise as I suddenly noticed her opening a condom and putting it on me. “Why the plastic now?” I asked her. She retorted that she was burning from earlier today and was getting a yeast infection, and the condom would help out with that. She did look awfully swollen as I put myself in her and quite wet from what she said was medication. I don’t remember being that rough with her earlier…

-T.C.

So Angela and I laid next to each other after we had finished, hot and sweaty, both looking up at the ceiling fan running endlessly. Angela was rubbing my hand as she ran her foot up and down my leg. “I missed you'” she whispered as she took a deep breath. I held mine, awaiting for her to drop a million pound weight on my head in the form of some disaster or request. If she could see my eyes, they would have had the look of terror in them at that moment. But all I heard was silence as she slowly drifted off to sleep. I was exhausted and rapidly followed Angela’s lead.

It was a restless night for me. I felt like I was awake, but I knew time had passed by, so I must have slept some. I wanted to know what Angela needed to tell me over the last few days! I guess it was nothing at all. I stared at the clock. Four A.M….Five A.M… Next thing I remember was feeling Angela crawling on me, kissing my forehead with her soft lips, straddling my waist with her gorgeous, soft thighs and perfectly waxed naughty bits. Soon, I found us in action again, at 8 A.M., kissing ferociously as she rode me for what seemed like forever. I love the amount of energy Angela has. It never ends!

It turned out to be a great morning. I texted Sarah to let her know I was sleeping at the hospital, and then Angela and I went out to get some lunch seeing how late in the morning it was. What a great day to be outside with incredible clear skies and warm temperatures!

We hit a great local dig for lunch.Nothing like tender, juicy chicken!

Lunch was fantastic as was dessert at a frozen custard stand. It was a shame to have to end the day with Angela to go back home!

-T.C.